Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Excerpt from Chapter 5: What to Expect from the Married Man

If you marry a man who cheats on his wife,
you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife.
—Ann Landers
Pay close attention while reading this chapter, as I’m going to inform you about what to expect from the married man: absolutely nothing! That is correct! You must have no expectations, because he is not able to honor them even if he wants to. My advice; don’t fall in love with the married man. If you really want to be successful at dating him, remember, as he will, that it is just about sex. Attempting to love him is likely to cause you to suffer emotional stress. You cannot have a love relationship with someone who has pledged his life and love to another woman. You can expect the married man to use you, and he will do so at his convenience. This is your role in the relationship while dating him—being used. Do you have the typical expectation for your married man of leaving his wife for you?

Statistics have shown that few men leave their families for the other women. Keep in mind the reality of the situation; your needs and wants do not make the list of his accomplishments at the end of the day. He will swing between his family life and you, and at the end day, he will go home to his wife while you go to bed alone. If you really want to be successful in dating the married man, just be in it for the sex. Sexual maintenance will put you in the position to have a controllable relationship with him. Because women are creatures of emotions, having this control will require you to date multiple married men and have short-term affairs, breaking them off quickly to avoid a messy state of affairs. This, of course, would make you a serial career dater of married men, which simply is the worst alternative!

Based on my research, there is a common thread among married men and their behaviors that must govern your thinking and expectations if you embark on a relationship with one of these fellows. Below is a list of 30 expectations you need to have when dating a married man.
1. Expect to be in second place to his wife and children.
2. Expect to protect the married man by keeping his relationship with you secret from his wife, kids, other family members, and friends.
3. Expect your relationship to be confined to the bedroom if you really want success in dating the married man.
4. Expect the gifts that you give to him to remain at your place. Most men do not shop for themselves, not even for underwear, and even if they do, their wives will know when they see something new that they did not purchase, such as a coat. A smart man is aware that his wife knows his shopping habits.
5. Expect to be on call while you wait for his calls, e-mails, text messages, and visits.
6. Expect to exercise self-discipline and patience for those long periods of time when he may not be able to see, call, or text you.
7. Expect that he will share with his buddies, partners, and “boys” details about sex with you.
8. Expect that having a child is not an option. Stay on your birth control or be prepared to have an abortion. Expect him to be caring enough to go with you just to make sure you follow through.

Book Release, June 2012

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Chapter 2: Avoid Dating a Married Man

            As the other woman has proven time and again, regardless of vows and the promises of fidelity to love and honor during a wedding ceremony, a ring does not lock a man down for life. Many women do believe that a wedding band alone should keep a man faithful. He may comfort and keep, but remain true while forsaking the other woman as long as he lives? This is good in theory.
In Steve Harvey‘s book Think Like a Man, Act Like a Lady, he makes the comment that if women rejected married men, it would save many marriages and relationships. “Men can cheat because there are so many women willing to give themselves to a man who does not belong to them.” Sorry, Steve, that may be true, but men have to take responsibility for their own behaviors. The other woman would not exist if it were not for the married man seeking to fulfill not only his sexual needs but also his emotional needs. I am not talking about the serial cheater referred to as a dog by the modern-day woman.
Both the husband and wife are responsible for the stability and instability of their marriage. This remains true even if the other woman enters the marriage. The biblical story of David and Bathsheba creates debate on who was to blame for their affair.  King David is blamed for not being where he should have been, preferring to be on his roof, watching a naked woman bathing rather than on the battlefield. Bathsheba is accused of deliberately seducing King David by immodestly bathing where she knew he would see her. Unarguably, it was married King David who sent for Bathsheba for the purpose to lie with her. In this story, he bore the guilt for their adulterous affair, but just Bathsheba, as other women before and after her should just avoid the married man.  Here is an excerpt from Chapter 2, Why You Should Avoid the Married man:

Jennifer met a married man two months ago in a bar. She shared her encounter.
I met a married guy who told me he was having problems at home. He said that his wife told him that she did not love or want him anymore. When I asked why he was still there, he said because he loves her. That was enough for me to send him home and tell him to work out their problems. They are still together, and he and I are still friends. We never see each other, but we text and talk on the phone every week.
Jennifer’s initial reaction to this married man’s sob story was right on target; she sent him away and advised him to work out his marriage. The one major mistake she’s making is failing to break off communicating with him altogether. As long as she persists with text messaging and talking to him, he knows the game is still in play. If she continues communicating with him, it will not be long before she is agreeing to meet him for a drink, dinner, and more.
Communicating with a married man you’ve just met means more than and is more than just friendly chitchat. If Jennifer continues this unwise habit, she is likely to find herself entangled in a physical relationship with him. If the married man is having issues with his wife, the last person he should engage in a conversation about his problems is someone of the opposite sex who is not neutral or unbiased. He should seek out a male counterpart to discuss his problems, or a woman such as a sister, an aunt, a cousin, or a professional counselor, who will not be susceptible to the risks of amorous snares with him. There is absolutely no good reason for a married man to discuss his personal life with a detached woman even if his intentions are without motive. Some women are clueless about the game, while others will recognize it, spot on.
Mandy shares her encounter with a married man on the prowl:
On my birthday, my friends and I were at a club and this prestigious attorney sat with us. We asked him if he was married, and he said yes and bought all of us drinks. He sat and talked to us all night about his marriage: how bored he was at home and how his wife did not appreciate him or his success, etc. I wanted to grab a notebook and start charging him for a therapy session. A man will complain to whoever will listen!
Mandy is correct, and the common ingredient for an entanglement with a married man is conversation. If you find yourself caught up in a conversation with a married man about his wife, avoid trading stories of misery about his marriage and your status if you are single and alone. Listening to his stories of woe will cause you to become too emotionally involved. The nurturing side of you will want to advise him, thus allowing him into your life. The next thing you know, you are sharing your own stories. Engaging in the exchange of personal anguish creates an unwitting seduction of words that builds sexual tension that later may be acted on. Absolutely refrain from saying anything that lends to the notion that the two of you should be miserable together and have sex! Something as simple as agreement or empathetic words may be all that it takes to move from friends to sexual attraction to sex. You may not be able to control what he says, but you should decline the invitation to his pity party.
If you suddenly find yourself in a dialogue with a married man about his dreadful marriage, listen attentively, make no judgments, and say nothing at all or say something positive. Encourage the married man to think positively about his situation by telling him not give in or give up hope on his marriage working. He could be another Brad and may see you as a possible target of distraction to ease the tensions of his unhappiness by having fun with you. For this reason, if you make positive comments, it will dispel the perception that you are prey. Most importantly, never make it a habit of routinely enjoying the married man’s company. You may think it is merely conversation and you just really like talking to him, but if you continue to see and talk to him, you are enabling him in playing Russian roulette with your vulnerabilities.
 Book release date,  June 2012

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Success in Dating a Married Man?

The inspiration for this book began more than a year ago, when a neighbor of mine who was dating a married man had a serious melt down when he decided to break off the affair. The melt down included harassing his wife by emailing and calling her with details of their acrobatic sexual workouts. Although from the start I tried to tell her that relationships with married men are just about sex, she wanted to believe that the affair with her married man was different from those experienced by other women in similar affairs. She believed that he truly loved and wanted her more than his wife.  Once she realized that all his declarations of love for her were the typical lies spewed by married men, she leaped off the edge in seeking revenge.  
As I watched her spiral downward without an attempt to control her emotions or actions, I found her behavior dumbfounding. I thought if you are going to date a married man, you have to accept and expect the chips to fall where they respectively will—not where they may. In other words, if you are going to date a married man, do so with the understanding that the terms of this engagement is what it is; a sexual affair and nothing more. Observing her, a question came to mind. Are women who date married men delusional or just severely naive about the fact that dating a married is just about sex? Studying her, amusingly I thought, if you’re going to date a married man, you have got to do it right by understanding and abiding by the rules. That way you can avoid reacting like the deranged, jilted mistress later.  Although my musing was purely levity, I began to write about the realistic previews and the rules a woman must understand and follow if she is going to play the role of the other-woman. But, are the rules known regarding what to expect when you are dating a married man? Can you successfully date a married man if the outcomes are known from the beginning?  These questions and more explored in my book, How To Successfully Date a Married Man. Here is an excerpt from the Introduction:
How to successful date a married man! I realize the title is as grammatically incorrect, as most of us do believe that dating a married man is inappropriate and licentious. However, the redaction of the title would alter the intent of this book, which at first glance is sure to draw gasps and sighs. Many after reading the title will wonder what type of reprehensible person would write a book on such a topic. To advocate what may seem at first impression as a rules book on promoting dating a married man is an immoral dating standard. In fact, it is adverse to the attitudes and belief systems of our mothers and grandmothers on common decency, proper behavior, and the moral principles of being a lady. So, although your initial reaction to the title of this book may be expressed disapproval, do not judge the book by the cover name alone. You may find it well worthwhile your time to read before censuring and rejecting it as immoral diatribe.
We must face the facts that affairs with married men are real and do happen every day. I was amazed at the number of recommendations I received from people who identified a woman known to them to be the, “other-woman” to interview for my book. Therefore, as the title so indicates, the targeted audience and subject of this book is the other-woman or the potential other-woman who may be considering dating a married man. Nevertheless, the lessons to be learned here are for many including, the other-woman, married men, and wives.
Many of the married women that I interviewed asked my motivation for writing this book. They wanted to know, especially after hearing the title, if any of the stories were mine and why would I willfully write a book on a topic that is sure to cause pain to other women? Well, let me continue by saying that the accounts of cheating relationships with married men in this book are not my own stories. Although have been confronted with situations with married men, as I will discuss in later chapters.
The truth is, this book is an exploration of the affairs of the heart and contains confessions by women who have entered into relationships with married men. These are stories as told by the other-woman who dated a married man and ended up unsuccessful in her quest for love. In addition, there are interviews with married men who have cheated and wives who experienced the unfortunate heartache of their cheating husbands. As I listened to these accounts of love, cheating, and betrayal, a couple of things stood out to me. First, some revelations made by the participants may hit home for the woman reading this book that was or is presently married to a cheating husband. For you, it could be painful, as you may have experienced some of the situations discussed. Second, nothing about an affair with a married man is unique and the similarities of outcomes and disappointments are re-lived from one affair to the next. As I collected these stories and listened to the situations that lead to the affairs, the circumstances varied little except for the players. Just so you are aware, this is not a, “self-help” or “how to” book on interfering and breaking up marriages. This is my disclaimer and I am sticking to it!

Book release is June 2012.